Ok, I’m always on the lookout. I spend my days usually making guys uncomfortable by staring them down; undressing them with my eyes. I just can’t help myself. I have even found myself whistling and shouting things like, “Hey stud,” from my car window as I drive down the street. It’s getting out of hand, and I need to stop.
What I really need is a steady boyfriend. I don’t want to move in with someone right away, of course. However, it would be nice to find someone to cook meals with, go on walks, have adult sexual encounters, smooch, and talk to. Just the other day, I finally decided to reach out to someone whom I thought was flirting with me. He was a handsome Starbucks barista. He had a warm smile, and seemed genuinely interested in how my day was going. I had obviously just rolled out of bed. My hair was a mess (not sex hair), glasses instead of contacts, and slippers rather than actual adult shoes. I was basically a hot mess. I was certain that the barista was flirting with me, just from the small talk we were having.
Like a good little stalker, I planted myself at that Starbucks every single day. “This will get his attention,” I thought to myself. Sadly, he wasn’t there. For a brief moment, I thought he might be one of those sparkly vampires from Twilight, and he had to take some days off to go hunt for animals so he wouldn’t face the risk of biting me. Finally, a week after our fateful encounter, he was back. We chatted even more. He smiled at me in a way that made me think I was pregnant with his child. Then, I remembered I’m a guy, so I can’t get pregnant.
I decided to be somewhat bold, so I scribbled a cute little note on a piece of paper and handed it to his boss. I asked her to discreetly give it to him after I left for the day. As I peeled out of the parking lot, I saw her walk over to him with the note.
Two days have passed since I passed the note along, like a 14 year old school girl. No reply. Is it possible that my gay-dar is broken? I have such a hard time telling with some guys, even though I’ve been a homosexual since 1982 (the year I was born). Did I miss something in the growing process that kept me from honing this important internal gay-detection system? Of course, there could be other reasons. Perhaps he’s already in a relationship, although most of the guys I encounter have a boyfriend and a few pieces on the side. Maybe he’s not in a good place for a relationship.
I’m not upset by it, but I do wonder sometimes if I can fix my gay-dar. It has let me down a few times too many. I’ll just keep doing what I do best: staring the hotties down, and using the skills I learned from reading The Secret to see if I can will the Universe to make something happen.